Counseling 101: Anger Cycle

Anger, or really any strong negative emotion, can be a powerful force. It can be used to fight injustice and defend others, or it can be used to lash out at those we love the most. If you are like me, it’s easier to ignore anger - or as it is sometimes hidden is it’s less obvious forms as irritation, annoyance, frustration - and stuff it down and let it built up over time. This approach can work for a while, but ultimately it comes out when we least expect it or when we hit a threshold that we can’t ignore it any longer. It often feels like we can’t control an angry outburst, but I would argue that if we notice our anger when it is a manageable size, address it appropriately, and make a wise choice of how to express it or what action to take in response, that we can very much control our anger and eliminate outbursts (or as we call them in toddlers - tantrums!).

Below is a helpful worksheet that I try to walk through with most of my clients. It explains that for anger, or any significant negative emotion, there is a triggering event that starts the cycle in motion. This triggering event automatically starts our thoughts, emotional reactions, and physical bodies to respond. These are important things to notice, but the power of this knowledge is that we are able to make a choice (a purposeful response, not just a reaction to the circumstance) before we act out of our emotion.

Let’s take an example:

Triggering Event: The dog pees on the carpet!

Negative Thoughts:
- Dumb dog! Let me know you need to go out!
- Where are my kids, why didn’t take him on a walk like we had talked about!
- Etc. etc. etc - you know how things can get out of hand…

Emotional Reaction:
- Frustration with the dog
- Annoyance with the kids
- Anxiety you don’t have enough time to clean this up and make dinner before soccer practice
- Sadness that you feel alone in the household chores
- (See how one triggering event can cause a lot of various emotions!)

Physical Symptoms:
- Increased heart rate, increased breathing, clenched fists, etc.

**** CHOICE! ****

Behavioral Response:
- You could kick the dog (hopefully not!)
- You could stomp over to your kids room and scream to clean up the mess (again, probably not best)
- You could discuss with your kids a way to remember to take the dog out while cleaning the mess together…maybe make a chore chart or assign everyone a different day, etc.

The thoughts, emotions, and physical symptoms happen automatically, but the power over anger is in noticing these important inputs and using them in a calm, creative, helpful way to make wrongs right!