Counseling 101: Anger Cycle

Anger, or really any strong negative emotion, can be a powerful force. It can be used to fight injustice and defend others, or it can be used to lash out at those we love the most. If you are like me, it’s easier to ignore anger - or as it is sometimes hidden is it’s less obvious forms as irritation, annoyance, frustration - and stuff it down and let it built up over time. This approach can work for a while, but ultimately it comes out when we least expect it or when we hit a threshold that we can’t ignore it any longer. It often feels like we can’t control an angry outburst, but I would argue that if we notice our anger when it is a manageable size, address it appropriately, and make a wise choice of how to express it or what action to take in response, that we can very much control our anger and eliminate outbursts (or as we call them in toddlers - tantrums!).

Below is a helpful worksheet that I try to walk through with most of my clients. It explains that for anger, or any significant negative emotion, there is a triggering event that starts the cycle in motion. This triggering event automatically starts our thoughts, emotional reactions, and physical bodies to respond. These are important things to notice, but the power of this knowledge is that we are able to make a choice (a purposeful response, not just a reaction to the circumstance) before we act out of our emotion.

Let’s take an example:

Triggering Event: The dog pees on the carpet!

Negative Thoughts:
- Dumb dog! Let me know you need to go out!
- Where are my kids, why didn’t take him on a walk like we had talked about!
- Etc. etc. etc - you know how things can get out of hand…

Emotional Reaction:
- Frustration with the dog
- Annoyance with the kids
- Anxiety you don’t have enough time to clean this up and make dinner before soccer practice
- Sadness that you feel alone in the household chores
- (See how one triggering event can cause a lot of various emotions!)

Physical Symptoms:
- Increased heart rate, increased breathing, clenched fists, etc.

**** CHOICE! ****

Behavioral Response:
- You could kick the dog (hopefully not!)
- You could stomp over to your kids room and scream to clean up the mess (again, probably not best)
- You could discuss with your kids a way to remember to take the dog out while cleaning the mess together…maybe make a chore chart or assign everyone a different day, etc.

The thoughts, emotions, and physical symptoms happen automatically, but the power over anger is in noticing these important inputs and using them in a calm, creative, helpful way to make wrongs right!

Black Lives Matter

Seeing all that is happening the the United States right now with the protests, discussions, and reactions to the recent deaths of so many (too many!) people of color prompted to me want to write a note of solidarity and agreement with the Black Lives Matter movement.

As a white woman, and with all the privilege that goes along with that, I know that I cannot fully understand the experiences of Black Americans or people of color in this country. But I do want to make my voice heard:

I am anti-racist. I am anti-injustice. I am anti-people being treated as less than because of the color of their skin.

I am pro-love. I am pro-life. I am pro-standing up for what is right.

Black. Lives. Matter.

Micah 6:8 “do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God”

Quarantine

What a strange time to be alive! Am I right? Who would have ever thought we would be social distancing, self-quarantining, and sheltering in place for weeks and months on end? I, for one, never saw this coming. But here we are, and we are all doing our best to adjust to this new normal. Working from home, online learning, virtual church services, Zoom meetings (who had even ever heard of Zoom three months ago?!), and mask coverings when out in public have become part of every day life for most of us. I’ve been talking with many of my clients about common struggles to stay mentally, physically, and spiritually well during this time and have outlined three ideas to keep in mind so that we can not just survive, but thrive, during this season.

Structure

It is easy to drift toward sleeping in, binging Netflix, eating whatever sounds good, and laying on the couch all day. But it is so important to set a healthy routine and stick to it. Having structure in place helps regulate emotional wellness as it gives your mind and body a rhythm of what to expect each day. So I would recommend setting a regular time to wake up, regular meal times, time for productivity, time for recreation (and especially time to get outside if the weather permits) and creativity, time for spiritual engagement or meditation, time for entertainment, and a regular bed time. Set a daily guide and try to stick to it as best you can, but also give yourself grace if you’re not perfect on a given day.

Connection

Staying connected to extended family and close friends and neighbors has never been more important. Single people, self-quarantining alone are experiencing record amounts of loneliness and isolation; they are craving fulfilling interactions with those outside their home. Families sheltering in place together have never felt their house so small and annoyance with their family members so high; they are craving fulfilling interactions with those outside their homes. Now is the time to reach out to friends you haven’t talked with in a while or family members you cannot see at the moment. Plan a Skype coffee date or a happy hour. Organize a family reunion via Zoom. Take a family walk and wave at a favorite neighbor. Host a social distancing picnic in the park. Think of creative ways to engage with others and connect when connection might seem difficult.

Expectation

One of the most difficult things about this current challenge is not knowing when the quarantine will end and society will start to re-open so life can get back to normal. It is hard to see long awaited celebrations (like proms, graduations, weddings, etc.) come up on the calendar and not be able to participate as we once did. It is a struggle to see schools close for the year and be working from home for weeks on end. One way to combat the dread and despair of uncertainty is to control the controllables; to reframe this new reality in light of what you can do to influence your own future. One way to do this is to set things to look forward to - whether it is a daily family walk, a weekly FaceTime with your besties, a pajama party with ice cream sundaes, or a date night getting take out from a favorite restaurant - try to set something to look forward to every once in a while.

Hopefully this is a helpful guide to staying well during this unprecedented time. No one is perfect and no one will do everything perfectly during this quarantine, but I believe we can all try to do the best we can and to remember that we are all in this together!

RPC expanded again!

My family and I are so happy to have welcomed our second son to the world! Ethan Brent Payne was born September 27, 2019. I took a few months off to be with him and adjust to being a family of four and I am now happy to be back in the office (at least in a part time capacity).

Here are a few of our favorite newborn pictures!

Back to School

It’s that exciting time of year again! Many kids and teens dread it; many parents look forward to it with bated breath….BACK TO SCHOOL!

It’s important to remember the transition from summer - oftentimes full of fun, friends, vacations, and sleeping in - and back to the structure and added stress of school can be difficult. It’s hard on parents who want their children to succeed academically in the next grade’s classes, socially with new and old friends, and grow in maturity and responsibility. It’s also hard on kids switching drastically from laid back summer to full throttle school schedule (with band and athletics and honors courses and theater and where to sit at lunch and AP classes and …. the list is never ending).

I often have more parents and students reaching out to set up counseling appointments as the first day of school looms or right after school begins. It can be a stressful event that can cause set backs or new symptoms of mental and emotional struggles.

Below are a few blogs and articles that of how to navigate the first few weeks that I think are super helpful:

https://www.multicare.org/news/back-to-school-7-mental-health-tips-for-kids-yourself/

https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-with-special-needs-go-back-to-school/

https://blog.mass.gov/publichealth/mental-wellness/back-to-school-mental-wellness-tips-for-parentscaregivers-of-teens/

https://www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/resources-and-podcasts/mental-health/prevention-and-wellness-promotion/supporting-childrens-mental-health-tips-for-parents-and-educators

Counseling 101: Assertiveness

Assertiveness is defined as the quality of being self-assured and confident, without being aggressive or, as I like to say, being able to stand up for yourself while being kind and respectful to others. It may seem like an easy concept in theory, but the practical application in relationships with family, friends, authority figures, and difficult relationships can be anything but easy. Assertiveness is closely connected to boundary setting (blog post on that coming soon, so stay tuned!) in what to stand up for as well as communication in how to convey the message in a positive, respectful way.

The diagram below is a helpful tool I use with many of my clients. It gives a way to visualize how each individual filters situations through their thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and, I would add, beliefs to come to an helpful response. The person in the middle of the picture find himself in a negative circumstance and has four ways to respond:

1. Passive: Style of deferring to other’s opinions, wants, and needs while avoiding expressing their own.

2. Aggressive: Way of interactive socially with the intention of inflicting damage or other unpleasantness on another individual.

3. Passive-Aggressive: Pattern of indirect resistance to the demands or requests of others in an attempt to avoid direct confrontation; synonyms include catty, manipulative, acting dumb

4. Assertive: Standing for your wants and needs (your boundaries) in a polite, kind, respectful way.

Some of us need courage to fight against passivity and to take action to stand up for ourselves. Others of us need discipline to respond with gentleness and compassion instead of our natural aggression. Hopefully, this simple definition of assertiveness can help us all to be better at articulating our feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs toward healthier interactions with others.

Recommended Books

I’ve read some great books in the last year or so that I hope could be helpful to you as well.

The Social Animal - David Brooks
I love almost everything David Brooks, who writes for the New York Times, writes. He is insightful and thoughtful and writes beautifully. This book is especially interesting as he explores how people form relationships with others, evaluating basic human nature from an objective researcher’s point of view.

Rising Strong - Brene Brown
Brene Brown is the leading researcher and social commentator on vulnerability, shame, and the courage it takes to open yourself up to deep relationship. This book focuses on how to recover after failure, disappointment, and rejection to move toward wholehearted living. Below is a quote from the book in which she defines her concept of wholehearted living:

“I define wholehearted living as engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

Journey Through Trauma: A Trail Guide to the 5-Phase Cycle of Healing Repeated Trauma - Gretchen SchmelzerThis is an excellent resource for anyone who has endured repeated trauma, especially survivors of childhood sexual abuse, those coming out of domestic violence, and combat veterans. It outlines a roadmap to healing, focusing on the concept that trauma which occurs in relationships must be healed through relationship. It gives hope that although the journey will be hard, it can be done, and healing can be accomplished.

Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption - Bryan Stevenson
I was convicted and inspired after reading this memoir of Bryan Stevenson, a young, idealistic lawyer in Alabama, working to defend poor and minority clients on death row and juveniles incarcerated for life. He details the stories of many of his clients, including their background - usually childhoods in poverty, violence, and hard circumstances, to their experiences in the justice system, to the eventual outcome of their cases. It was an eye-opening book about how to fight for true justice. The quote below, from the title page, sums it up:

“Love is the motive but justice is the instrument.” - Reinhold Niebuhr

It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle - Mark Wolynn
This is an illuminating look into how many mental health difficulties (anxiety, chronic pain, depression, obsessive thoughts, phobias, etc.) have their roots in our family history. These can stem from early childhood experiences, trauma and stress to your mother during her pregnancy with you, or even to the lives of your parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents. The emotional legacies of pain, violence, and trauma can be passed on and inherited. This book is a very well researched and insightful resource.

Looking For Inspiration

I recently re-arraigned my office, and I ended up with a blank part of a wall and thought to myself, “A vinyl wall art quote would look great there.” Then I found myself searching Pinterist, Etsy, and Amazon for hours trying to come up with a quote that would apply to the counseling process, be artistic and beautiful, and present the positive point of view that represents how I try to approach life. I knew this was the one the moment I saw it:

Learn from yesterday - it is so important to reflect on your previous experiences and to grow from the hard things (or great things) you’ve been through.

Live for today - we only can live one day at a time, so I believe it is crucial to stay in the present and do what you can with each day.

Hope for tomorrow - having a positive outlook and believing things will turn out for the best makes for the happiest and healthiest people.

I hope this encourages you as much as it does me each time I look at it. And I hope you can spend a little more time learning, living, and hoping in your life.

Big News at RPC

As you may or may not have noticed, I have not been active on the blog in quite a while. The primary reason for that is because I BECAME A MOM! My husband and I welcomed our first child, Jason James, on May 11, 2018. It has been such a joy to get to know this little guy and learn how to be a mom, but has also come with a lot of new time and energy constraints. Meaning, I have not done we well as I had hoped keeping up with the blog. I plan to be much more diligent in the months and years to come. But in the meantime, here are a few pictures of my awesome little man.

Thanksgiving Psalms

I have been reading a Psalm a day in my personal time with the Lord recently and noticed two in particular that impressed in me a spirit of thankfulness and gratitude.  Hopefully they will encourage you as well as you spend time reflecting on how God has blessed you and what you can be thankful for this year.

Psalm 95:1-8

Titled: Let Us Sing Songs of Praise

Oh come, let us sing to the Lord;
let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!

Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!

For the Lord is a great God,
and a great King above all gods.
In his hand are the depths of the earth;
the heights of the mountains her his also.

The sea is his, for he made it, 
and his hands formed the dry land.

Oh come, let us worship and bow down; 
let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!

For he is our God, 
and we are the people of his pature, 
and the sheep of his hand.

Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts.

Psalm 100

Titled: His Steadfast Love Endures Forever
Subscript: A Psalm for giving thanks

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!
Serve the Lord with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!

Know that the Lord, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving.
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the Lord is good; 
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.

Making Plans

I saw this image shared on Twitter the other day and, although it may be meant at a lighthearted cartoon, I believe it illustrates a very important point about life.

So often when setting goals and thinking about how life will turn out, it seems like a subtle incline on a bicycle with the destination at a far, but manageable, distance ahead.  Sure it's going to be hard work.  Absolutely, expect to sweat.  But eventually, we'll arrive safe and sound at our destination.

Unfortunately, most life plans don't turn out that way.  Instead, we are bombarded with challenges we didn't expect, surprised by undeserved suffering, and blindsided by seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  The reality is that we are never fully equipped at the beginning of our journey to overcome everything that keeps us from achieving our goals.  

This is where the life skill of grit comes in.  Grit is defined as courage and resolve, strength of character, the ability to keep trying even when things get hard.  It is crucial for anyone who aspires to achieve their life purposes and plans.  It is also a skill, that with practice can be improved and strengthened.  My challenge to you (and to myself as well) is to improve your grit: get back up if life knocks you down, take it one day at a time, find creative solutions to problems, ask for help when things get hard, and keep fighting to follow your dreams.

Counseling 101: Reflective Listening

Reflective listening, sometimes called active listening or reflecting, is a foundational tool for any therapist.  Every person wants to be heard and understood, and one simple way to demonstrate that the therapist is really hearing the client is to reflect.  Each client also wants their therapist to say insightful things to help them think in new ways, which begins by reflecting relevant information. There are several aspects to reflective listening.  

The first is body language.  This may be obvious, but good listening skills actually require that you LOOK like you’re listening.  Basic body language such as making eye contact, nodding at appropriate times, and reacting to information that is meant to elicit emotion (smile, frown, appear shocked, confused, outraged, etc.) communicate that you are tracking with the client and care deeply for them and what they are saying.

The second is what you say in return.  In many counseling sessions, the client will speak the most as they recall, process, and experience growth in challenging areas.  However, when it’s the therapist turn to speak, it is important what you chose to say and how you chose to say it.  The three basic types of reflections are: content, emotion, and thematic.  

Content reflections address the facts or details of what the client is discussing.  Many times a therapist will use a content reflection to clarify, summarize, or investigate further.  If a client is describing the beginning of their eating disorder, a therapist may say, “So you first became concerned with your weight in 6th grade and you first started restricting your diet in 7th.”

Emotion reflections address the underlying emotions about what the client is discussing.  If a client is describing a hectic day, a therapist might say, “Wow, that sounds exhausting.” Or if a client is explaining a dysfunctional relationship with their father, a therapist may say, “Hmm, it seems like your father abandoned you at a crucial time.  That sounds so scary.”  

Thematic reflections address overarching patterns and themes in individual sessions or the duration of the counseling relationship.  One session may be fully devoted to a teen client’s dating relationships and a therapist could say, “It is interesting in each of your relationships, you were the one to end it.”  Or a theme could cross several sessions and relate to the client’s treatment goals.  For example a client with anger management issues, a therapist may say, “Here is another instance that instead of feeling sad or hurt, you chose to react in anger.”

This is an important skill for everyone to master - not just professional counselors. Always remember that a friend or family member will be quick to correct or modify reflections if you are a little bit off.  This often sheds new light or gives helpful nuance to the discussion allowing for even better processing and healing, which will help everyone get on the same page and communicate better.  Reflective listening is crucial to strengthen relationships and allow you to understand and communicate with others more effectively.

Book Recommendation: War of Words - Paul Tripp

I recently read Paul Tripp's War of Words and was reminded how important our words and our view of conflict impact our day to day relationships.  Two concepts really jumped out to me: how our use of words is a representation of either a true gospel or a misrepresentation of God's word and how every believer is called to Biblical confrontation and reconciliation.  Below the excerpts are listed out, with the parenthesis as a summary in my own words for clarity.

Gospel of our words:

1. God has a wonderful plan for our words that is far better than anything we could come up with on our own.
2. Sin has radically altered our agenda for our words, resulting in much hurt, confusion, and chaos.
3. In Christ Jesus we find the grace that provides all that we need to speak as God has planned.
4. The Bible plainly and simply teaches us how to get from where we are to where God wants us to be.

Model of Biblical Confrontation:

E - Examine Your Heart (think through your own motivation and timing for addressing conflict with another)
N - Note Your Calling (as a child of God; as a reconciler and redeemer in the world)
C - Check Your Attitude (pray for peace; be intentional about your nonverbal appearance)
O - Own Your Faults (confess to God and the one you offended; be aware you may be operating out of blind spots)
U - Use Words Wisely (think through what you need to communicate and how to lovingly express it)
R - Reflect On Scripture (allow the Holy Spirit to guide you to applicable Scripture and pray through it)
A - Always Be Prepared To Listen (communication is a two way street so it's just as important to listen well)
G - Grant Time For A Response (give the other party time to fully process; don't press for an immediate response)
E - Encourage The Person With The Gospel (use the conversation to remind each other of God's promises)

There are many helpful insights in this book and I wholly recommend it to individuals or couples working to improve how they speak to others and how to enter into conflict well.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

2016 is finally and thankfully behind us and 2017 is upon us.  I’m sure you’re like me, and 62% of all Americans, who spend time thinking through New Year’s resolutions for the coming year.  With the natural break in the calendar comes a good time to reflect on the past year and dream about the new one.  Where can we be better?  What can we invest in more?  How can we improve in our relationships?  Our fitness?  Our finances?  Our job?  The possibilities are endless for new resolutions for the New Year.

So to help in this process, I have put together an easy 5-step plan to make (and keep) the perfect resolutions:

1.  Prioritize.

It is unrealistic to assume we can change several big things in our life at the same time.  We can’t become fit, save money, wake up earlier, and learn to play the guitar all in the same week.  Choose the most important one or two things to start them first.  It’s ok to add more in later; they don’t have to have to be in place January 1.

If you need help brainstorming, here is a link of the most common resolutions:

http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

2.  Make SMART resolutions.

S – Specific

• Good example:  “I resolve to lose 5 pounds a month for the next 12 months.”
• Not so good example:  “I resolve to lose a bunch of weight as soon as possible.”

M – Measurable

• Good example: “I resolve to put 10% of each paycheck into my savings.”
• Not so good example: “I resolve to save money for my trip to the beach.”

A – Attainable

• Good example: “I resolve to reach out to each neighbor on my street this year.”
• Not so good example: “I resolve to achieve world peace.”

R – Relevant

• Good example: “I resolve to have a family meal at least once a week this year.”
• Not so good example: “I resolve to spend time with my family by working out more.”

T – Timely

• Good example: “I resolve to do one Rosetta Stone Spanish lesson each week this year.”
• Not so good example: “I resolve to be fluent in Spanish sometime in my life.”

3.  Be grace-filled.

No one is perfect and no resolution can be held to perfectly.  These are goals to improve, not legalistic behavior modification.  Learn to work hard to achieve each resolution, but also learn to give yourself grace when you don’t quite perform as well as you’d hoped.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Just try again tomorrow.

4.  Incorporate accountability.

It’s easy to come up with great resolutions, but it’s hard to stick to them.  It helps to have accountability in several ways:

- Write the resolution down.  This way it’s easier to remember exactly what the resolution is.

- Make the resolution visible.  Put it somewhere it will be seen everyday.  This way it will remind you to work towards that resolution each day.

- Tell family and friends.  They will be able to support, encourage, remind, and possibly even join in on the resolution.

5.  Re-evaluate.

Re-evaluate the resolution after a couple weeks or months.  In which ways is it successful?  What is still hard about it?  Is there a better way to implement it?  Be flexible and change any resolution that can be improved upon.

I hope this 5-step approach helps you achieve everything you set out to do in the coming year!

Wishing you all the best in 2017!

Puritan Christmas Prayer

O Source of all good,
What shall I render to you for the gift of gifts,
your own dear Son?

Herein is wonder of wonders:
he came below to raise me above,
was born like me that I might become like him.

Herein is love;
when I cannot rise to him
he draws near on wings of grace,
to raise me to himself.

Herein is power;
when Deity and humanity were infinitely apart,
he united them in indissoluble unity,
the uncreate and the created.

Herein is wisdom; 
when I was undone, with no will to return to him,
and no intellect to devise recovery,
he came, God-incarnate, to save me to the uttermost,
as man to die my death,
to shed satisfying blood on my behalf,
to work out a perfect righteousness for me!

O God, take me in spirit to the watchful shepherd, 
and enlarge my mind!

Let me hear good tidings of great joy, 
and hearing, believe, rejoice, praise, adore,
my conscience bathed in an ocean of repose,
my eyes uplifted to a reconciled Father!

Place me with ox, donkey, camel, goat,
to look with them upon my Redeemer's face, 
and in him account myself delivered from sin!

Let me with Simeon clasp the newborn child to my heart, 
embrace him with undying faith,
exulting that he is mine and I am his!

In him you have given me so much that heaven can give no more.

Counseling Skill 101: Empathy

Empathy is joining another person’s emotional journey.  It is foundational to the counseling relationship.  If a counselor is empathetic, the client will most likely feel heard and understood.  If a counselor not so empathetic, a client could walk away feeling alienated or judged.  Empathy is the glue that helps join the counselor and client together as they work through life’s issues.  

Perfect definitions of empathy are hard to come by; in some ways it is easier to explain empathy by what it is not.  First of all, empathy is not sympathy.  Sympathy is feeling bad for someone or to feel pity for someone.  Sympathy looks through binoculars at someone struggling to climb a mountain, whereas empathy joins them on their hike.  Empathy is also not selfish; it requires that the counselor takes their needs out of the equation as much as possible to meet the client where they are.  Empathy helps the counselor walk with the clients through their own perspective of hard situations.  Lastly, empathy is not judgmental.  A counselor may not agree with every reaction or decision of a client, but that is not necessary to understand and validate genuine emotions.  Joining with another person for a part of their story requires openness and acceptance while leaving room for different beliefs.

Learning ways to become more empathetic will pay off almost immediately as friends and family feel more understood and safe in conversations.  It may be hard to put yourself in another person’s emotional shoes, but like most skills it becomes easier with practice.  Empathy is an art as well as a skill, so there is not one way to do it or step by step method of learning.  Some people have a natural empathy, where it comes easily into relationships.  Others have to work at it to incorporate it into their day-to-day life.  Be on the look out when others come alongside you with empathy and make an effort of come alongside others.  Be creative and have fun connecting to those around you - especially when spending time with family and friends this holiday season!

To Fellow Strugglers

Below is a portion of an email that I received from a friend.  A friend that struggles through this life with depression, anxiety, and fear.  A friend who takes anti-depressants, who sees a counselor, who has a network of people to support her.  But also a friend that is hurting and fighting for peace, strength, and clarity through hard times.  Below is a portion of how she genuinely seeks the Lord as her one true hope.  

So I started whittling...while doing such, through meditation about reflection and preparation as well as some Scripture I had flowing through my mind, it was made clear to me the poor state of my spirit and soul.  You see, I was carving wood.  Simple enough.  I thought about the wooden idols in the Bible.  I thought about how I am getting owned by all my idols.  It became very clear, that although I don't worship Baal or Molech and I don't have an Asherah pole, I have been trying to find satisfaction and fulfillment in stuff that I do, like exercising more or eating healthier, or things that I buy, like new shoes or clothes or toys.  There are also things that I want to do, like travel and go on adventures, and things that I want to buy, like a gun or a dog, because maybe if I did, then I'd be whole and complete.  

Now I realize, none of these things are intrinsically bad, but they seem to entangle me.  They distract me.  They frustrate me, because I don't follow through on any of it.  The thing is, they are all rather big commitments that either require me to make a lifestyle change and/or invest a significant amount of time and money, so I hesitate. I weigh the possibilities.  I figure the status quo isn't so bad. Then we come back to whittling, it’s no wonder I actually follow through and try it -- it's easy and simple.  No big commitment or major change required.  

You see, the fact is, I am stuck, seemingly unwilling to go all in for the cause of Christ. Incapable of giving all that I am and all that I have to follow him.  This haunts and torments me.

So what is it? Why am I stuck? How do I move on? What is holding me back?!

Its fear, lots of different fears, but the biggest one is the fear of being exposed (I have a strong desire to NOT be the light).  So I decided to continue searching for more and made a list of some bad things and of some good things that could happen if my sin is exposed.  

Three follow-up questions came to mind:
1- Do I want to experience the good more than I want to avoid the bad?
2- Do I trust God?
3- If I don't (want the good more or trust God), what can I do to change it? 

My answers to these questions: PRAY and choose to anyway (fake it 'til you make it?!)

So I'm left to ponder how I will fake it 'til I make it.  Is that the beauty of obedience?  Is that walking by faith and not by sight? Is that foolish or simple? 

Not really sure where this leads, but it’s where I'm at.

To me, this is a beautiful expression of struggle and faith and wanting to feel better by doing things the right way.  My friend whittles to draw close to the Lord and find healing in life's hard places.  What do you use to enter into the healing and comforting presence of God?

How to Choose a Therapist

I ran across this article the other day about how to choose a therapist once you've decided to give counseling a try.  I think it is a great resource for anyone who finds themselves in that position and is curious about the next best step.  Hope it helps!

How to Find the BEST Therapist For You

Counseling Influences: Part 4 - Family Systems Theory

Family Systems Theory will be the last in this blog series that explain my counseling influences and what guides my approach during counseling - everything from how I conceptualize the overall arc of a client in counseling (Adlerian Theory - Blog 1), to my worldview and beliefs on how people change and grow (Biblical Counseling - Blog 2), to treatment planning and skills I use in any given counseling session (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - Blog 3).  

Family Systems Theory views families as tightly intertwined, emotional connected units made up of individual members who must be understood within the framework of the family unit.  Each member in the family unit has a unique identity, certain boundaries they enforces, and specific roles they play.  These dynamics create patterns in how individual members or groups of members interact, which can provide balance or dysfunction.  If one member of the family unit begins to change, the entire system must change as well - for better or worse.  Family Systems Theory evaluates dysfunctional patterns and tries different interventions for different members to resolve the dysfunction.

Some of the major elements of Family Systems Theory are:

• Triangles/Alliances - two or more members aligning themselves against another
• Differentiation of Self - likelihood of one member to depend on acceptance or approval from other members
• Projection/transmission - moving emotional problems from one member to another
• Emotional Cutoff - removing emotional connection with the family unit as an act of avoidance
• Sibling Position - impact of birth order on behavior and exceptions

Family Systems Theory is most directly helpful when dealing with family therapy sessions, but the tenants also give helpful insight into individual counseling and couples therapy.  For example, if an individual client comes in for anger and depression, it may be helpful to understand their family system that might be adding to or causing these symptoms.  Of if a couple comes in for marriage counseling, it is certainly important to know about the family roles and relationships.

For more resources on Family Systems Theory, check out The Bowen Center, Systems Theory in Action, or Systems Theory and Family Therapy.

I hope this overview of my counseling influences was helpful and you understand more of how I do counseling and what you could expect from counseling with me.

Counseling Influences: Part 3 - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the third of my four major counseling influences.  To review my first two blogs in this series, check out my blog on Adlerian Theory and Biblical Counseling.  Adlerian Theory helps to explain the framework with which I conceptualize the span of care for each client; whereas Biblical Counseling is the worldview in every area of life - including counseling.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT for short, is more the nuts and bolts of my counseling conversations.  It focuses on a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  The goal of this type of therapy is to identify behaviors that are negatively effecting the client's life and work backward to find an irrational thought or belief, replace it with a true statement, and then to reinforce the trickle-down effect of choosing to belief the truth.  In CBT, it is helpful to remember that thoughts effect both emotions and behaviors, emotions effect both thoughts and behaviors, and behaviors (and more importantly consequences from behaviors) effect thoughts and emotions as illustrated below:

CBT relies heavily on client participation to think deeply, and sometimes uncomfortably, about ingrained thought patterns and beliefs.  It often takes work to evaluate, identify, reframe, and practice new ways of thinking to see a permanent change in behaviors, mood, and relationships.  In my mind, CBT is part introspection and self-knowledge, part speaking truth to false beliefs, and part behavior modification.

If you'd like a more thorough overview of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or specific skills to use in a CBT session, check out the National Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists and the Beck Institute.

Check back later for our last in this series of counseling influences, which will cover Family Systems Theory.