Counseling 101: Assertiveness
/Assertiveness is defined as the quality of being self-assured and confident, without being aggressive or, as I like to say, being able to stand up for yourself while being kind and respectful to others. It may seem like an easy concept in theory, but the practical application in relationships with family, friends, authority figures, and difficult relationships can be anything but easy. Assertiveness is closely connected to boundary setting (blog post on that coming soon, so stay tuned!) in what to stand up for as well as communication in how to convey the message in a positive, respectful way.
The diagram below is a helpful tool I use with many of my clients. It gives a way to visualize how each individual filters situations through their thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and, I would add, beliefs to come to an helpful response. The person in the middle of the picture find himself in a negative circumstance and has four ways to respond:
Passive: Style of deferring to other’s opinions, wants, and needs while avoiding expressing their own.
Aggressive: Way of interactive socially with the intention of inflicting damage or other unpleasantness on another individual.
Passive-Aggressive: Pattern of indirect resistance to the demands or requests of others in an attempt to avoid direct confrontation; synonyms include catty, manipulative, acting dumb
Assertive: Standing for your wants and needs (your boundaries) in a polite, kind, respectful way.
Some of us need courage to fight against passivity and to take action to stand up for ourselves. Others of us need discipline to respond with gentleness and compassion instead of our natural aggression. Hopefully, this simple definition of assertiveness can help us all to be better at articulating our feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs toward healthier interactions with others.