Counseling 101: Reflective Listening

Reflective listening, sometimes called active listening or reflecting, is a foundational tool for any therapist.  Every person wants to be heard and understood, and one simple way to demonstrate that the therapist is really hearing the client is to reflect.  Each client also wants their therapist to say insightful things to help them think in new ways, which begins by reflecting relevant information. There are several aspects to reflective listening.  

The first is body language.  This may be obvious, but good listening skills actually require that you LOOK like you’re listening.  Basic body language such as making eye contact, nodding at appropriate times, and reacting to information that is meant to elicit emotion (smile, frown, appear shocked, confused, outraged, etc.) communicate that you are tracking with the client and care deeply for them and what they are saying.

The second is what you say in return.  In many counseling sessions, the client will speak the most as they recall, process, and experience growth in challenging areas.  However, when it’s the therapist turn to speak, it is important what you chose to say and how you chose to say it.  The three basic types of reflections are: content, emotion, and thematic.  

Content reflections address the facts or details of what the client is discussing.  Many times a therapist will use a content reflection to clarify, summarize, or investigate further.  If a client is describing the beginning of their eating disorder, a therapist may say, “So you first became concerned with your weight in 6th grade and you first started restricting your diet in 7th.”

Emotion reflections address the underlying emotions about what the client is discussing.  If a client is describing a hectic day, a therapist might say, “Wow, that sounds exhausting.” Or if a client is explaining a dysfunctional relationship with their father, a therapist may say, “Hmm, it seems like your father abandoned you at a crucial time.  That sounds so scary.”  

Thematic reflections address overarching patterns and themes in individual sessions or the duration of the counseling relationship.  One session may be fully devoted to a teen client’s dating relationships and a therapist could say, “It is interesting in each of your relationships, you were the one to end it.”  Or a theme could cross several sessions and relate to the client’s treatment goals.  For example a client with anger management issues, a therapist may say, “Here is another instance that instead of feeling sad or hurt, you chose to react in anger.”

This is an important skill for everyone to master - not just professional counselors. Always remember that a friend or family member will be quick to correct or modify reflections if you are a little bit off.  This often sheds new light or gives helpful nuance to the discussion allowing for even better processing and healing, which will help everyone get on the same page and communicate better.  Reflective listening is crucial to strengthen relationships and allow you to understand and communicate with others more effectively.